at around six in the morning yesterday i decided, very suddenly to go on a walk. with haste, i shuffled through the closet to find the closest thing to a rainjacket i owned, as it had rained through the night. fortunately things were clearing up and there were puddles at most on the ground. it had been the first time in years i had decided to revisit a lot of these places, many of the stores replaced by new ones as well.

walking for some time, i noticed that there was not a single person out, nor a house with a light on even. this was strange to me as when i left for school years ago around the same time of day, maybe twenty minutes later, i'd see plenty of people walking in all sorts of directions.

i had walked past an old friend's house, now occupied by a different family, clearly well-off with two new cars in the driveway. this further reinforced the idea in my head that there wasn't much hope for me in this town to find people i enjoy being around, or at least able to express the real me around.

after reaching the intersection past his house, i contemplated going down an unfamiliar, richer neighbourhood street but i ultimately decided against it for a road i was more familiar with. there was a little bit of anxiety about making a choice like that, so i decided to check my phone for a while and explain to a friend who was online at the time the situation, even if it was uncircumstantial. i felt comfort in being heard and then continued my walk.

on my way down i noticed a new, modern house being built surrounded by older houses. it had a camera out front, one of those fancy motion detecting ones. the house looks like one of those houses that comes up if you search "modern houses" you'll see what i'm talking about. ugly blocky, white building with no privacy whatsoever. i really struggled to understand who would desire something like that, here of all places until i thought about the climate crisis and what's inevitably going to be happening, here, too.

a homeowner such as this one might buy their own house here, certainly with excess funds if they're able to get a custom house built to their own desires. these are the types that often landlord out a bunch of houses on the other side of town, the type that plead to their customers with the same necessity for their money as someone who needs it. they're convinced they're contributing to something, and even after some time they think they're working hard to even.

my town is one that's fairly far from the big cities, but not far enough that an hour long commute is unreasonable to your average homeowner. that fact alone is something that will push the house prices up, and people like us out. we don't have any choice in the matter except to find somewhere to go as fast as we can, as long as we can afford to.

what town is for me if not this one though? the only places that make sense to me are college dorms, it's the only place that

eh forget about it im going to sleep